There is something in the water in the UK. There has to be. There is just no other explanation for the level of barking madness that is going on there at the moment. I’m so glad that they seem to have a handle on the current stabbing crisis. Yes, the answer it would appear is to rip out the racists and malcontents at the very roots.

Woe betide any three year old hoodie planning to create mayhem at Mothercare. And as for you racist troublemakers huddling round the potty plotting to set about young Ahmed, we’ve got your number.

With the nursery nurses feverishly scribbling down any evidence of racist behaviour, including showing dislike for foreign or unfamiliar food, they’ll soon figure out which of those little rugrats is turning up their nose at Mai Ling’s Char Siu Bau. All is in good hands and we can sleep much safer in our beds.

Its just as well they don’t bring in the same kind of rules to Tenerife. My two would sneer at their grandmother’s Batanjaan Zalud which would no doubt be proof positive of their racism against North Africans while a good plate of Haggis and Neeps would uncover a deep seated suspicion for anything Scottish.

With the greatest of respect to the raving nutters who dreamt up this latest scheme I’d like to comment that my two kids go to state school in Tenerife. Although you can choose to pay to send your child to an English speaking school, state school is taught in Spanish – no ifs, ands or buts about it.

Both my kids do well – on par with their classmates. They are not suffering by being taught in a second language and their fluency in Spanish means they are totally integrated and feel as much a part of the community as the local Tinerfeño kids.

That doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be horrified if I offered them a plate of Sopa de Pescado Tinerfeña